Anyone else find it funny that we are all going RAW on Hump Day? Woah…need to get my mind out of the gutter 
I decided to make breakfast my raw meal today. It was not nearly as good as I hoped it would be. In fact, it was quite disgusting.
I soaked 1/3 cup of oats overnight in water, drained it this morning and blended it with some banana, a medjool date and some cinnamon this morning. Topped with some almonds and walnuts and the rest of the banana…
It was far too sweet and mushy for my liking. It also wasn’t very voluminous and I was hungry about two hours later. So sad. In fact, I have felt like a bottomless pit all day. Here it is stirred up a bit… EEK!
I love having muesli for breakfast but I typically let the oats soak in vanilla soymilk or almond milk overnight, then add some more alternative milk, fruit and chopped nuts in the morning. I love that. This was just blehhh. I think it was a texture thing for me. I didn’t like that goopy mushy feeling. EEEK! Anyone know any good raw grain breakfast recipes?
My raw snack was a bit of a cheat…
So delicious.
I’m not giving up on the raw food thing. I think I just need to find some recipes that work for me!
Off the Mat
I’m not quite sure why I felt the sudden urge to tell you “my story” this past week, but I feel like it’s a huge part of why I am where I am. I have a huge passion for healthy, beautiful food, and of course all things yoga, but I never really gave you the history behind it. I feel like it’s an integral part of this here blog, know what I mean? Off the Mat will typically be much shorter in the future, but for now it’s a bit lengthy in order to give you a bit more insight and really get to know “the girl behind the yoga pants!”
I know I mentioned yesterday that I have struggled with disordered eating and body image in the past. So let’s touch on that for a bit, shall we?
Growing up in gymnastics is definitely not a way to seek gratification and positive reinforcement. They start you at a young age, teaching you to seek out imperfections in your body even if they don’t exist!
I was in middle school when I first started becoming aware of these so called imperfections. Maybe the reason I can’t get this next trick, or get to the next level, is because I’m fat. Maybe if I were a little lighter, my coach would notice how great I was, and maybe I would win first place at the next meet. Just maybe…
I can remember doing Weight Watchers in eighth grade, copying the diet that my mom was following at the time. Isn’t that disgusting? A thirteen year old on a diet? I can vividly remember counting points, writing it all down, and feeling a sense of accomplishment with my shrinking frame, which was already tiny to begin with!
My coaches at cheerleading always said I was a little on the chubby side (even though I wasn’t!). One of my coaches, a gymnast and Cirque de Soleil performer from China (talk about crazy gymnastics training!) once told me “don’t eat meat, eat cereal, you will be skinnier.” Most twisted advice I have ever gotten in my life. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard? He always said I would be able to tumble higher and better if I were just a little smaller.
I always felt like my body was in the spotlight. I mean how could it not be? I was running around in a freakin’ leotard 24/7 for gosh sakes! After the leotard came the half top cheerleading uniforms. After losing a bit of weight I saw an old coach for the first time in a while. He said “Wow, Courtney, no more chunk chunk.” What a jerk. These are so not the words that a fourteen year old needs to hear and just made me feel even more self conscious. This wasn’t the only time I heard comments about my body. I can still hear all the comments and remarks from those days loud and clear and can even picture in my mind where I was, the time of day, the weather on certain occasions when someone would say something.
Nothing was too bad though until I was about 15. I started being more restrictive, paranoid, anxious about food. When people tell you that you need to lose weight all the time and are constantly pointing out your “flaws” you begin to believe it. And so I did!
Simple things like dining out and being with friends around food became stressful to me and often involved days worth of thoughts, many tears, and a tortuous inner dialogue that was painful to listen to. I didn’t want it there, but I didn’t know how to make it go away. I didn’t know how to just be. I began running in an effort to lose weight, pushing my tired (and injured!) body to “feel the burn.” I ignored every ache and pain and everything my body was asking for. Rest, nourishment, peace.
I was never diagnosed anorexic. I didn’t meet the medical requirements…another failure? That’s what my distorted mind thought at the time. After struggling with these unhealthy patterns for 3 years, I finally sought help. I had had enough. I was a “disordered eater” according to the therapist and nutritionist I began to see regularly just before I left for college.
What all of this boils down to is not trusting our bodies. They really know what is going on, but we are often led to ignore it. Many of us are taught from an early age that our value, our worth is based on outward appearance. That a smaller figure would make us better, more attractive, happier. That the gifts we have to share, the love in our hearts, aren’t enough. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I started practicing yoga, I began to become aware of my body. I could finally hear what it was telling me and knew instinctively what it needed and didn’t need. My relationship with myself changed and I began to love and appreciate food for it’s ability to nourish my body and give me the strength I needed to do those challenging poses on the mat.
I have always loved food. I have loved cooking and baking since I was a kid. But when I was struggling, it became another means of seeking perfectionism and became a form of punishment for not being “good enough.” Everything had to be JUST perfect.
Not anymore. Cooking is such a joy for me. It’s another expression of my creativity, creativity that I had been protecting and hiding all those years. But what for? I have learned to let go of a lot of this through my yoga practice.
I won’t say I’ve got it all figured out. But let’s be honest, who really does!? But I have learned a lot and come a long way. I’ve learned to find the joy in food, creating and experiencing new things in the kitchen and in life! Life is just too short my friends!
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I love your post Courtney.
I can relate to so many things about your Off the Mat today. Even though I wasn’t running around in a leotard, I think as females, our body ALWAYS is the focus. It’s absurd and even grotesque. I have several comments that have been said to me over the years that just stick in my brain, like those of your coaches. No matter how thin I’ve been, those words have echoed in my head. There just comes a time where we need to drown out those voices of the past with new voices of strength and encouragement that have NOTHING to do with our bodies, and everything to do with who we truly are.
You are a gift, and I love you sharing your story with us!
I’m loving this “off the mat”. I too have struggled with disordered eating and working though it has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. Seeing other people that have done it is always inspiring :)
I’m sorry to hear what you had to go through, that must have been awful. Thank you for sharing you story, though. I am very glad that yoga brings you peace and that food is once again something you can enjoy!
I’m sorry to hear about your weight struggles, I know it can be so rough. And that environment sounds awful. I can’t believe those coaches were such jerks! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really glad that you’re finding peace through cooking and yoga! It’s true, life really is too short and too precious to spend so much time fighting our bodies.
sorry your breakfast was rawful, but it looks pretty! i’m sure the snack made up for it :)
thank you so much for sharing your story – I think so many women can relate to so many aspects, even if they’ve never been a gymnast. I have a couple of comments that were said to me when I was younger that still creep up from my memory vault every now and then – it’s crazy how much one comment like that can affect you and stick with you.
Hi, ive been a regular reader of your blog for a while now and when i read this post, i felt the need to comment and thank you for being so honest about your past disorederd eating. Im in recovery from an eating disorder and have been for about 2 years now after suffering with it for as long as i can remeber. Reading how youve transformed your beliefs and habits to become more healthy mentally and happy with yourself is so inpirational! I can relate to so much of what you said, im sure alot of women can. Thanks for sharing what youve been through and showing that it IS possible to change your beliefs about yourself and reach a point where you can be at piece with your body.
have a great afternoon :)
xxx
oh and reading your blog has made me really excited to start learning yoga this summer :)
What a great post Courtney! I have had the same troubles with food and still struggle at times. I completely relate to your comment on having issues with food, but never being diagnosised with an eating disorder, you felt like you failed. So sad that we had to think that way. But maybe we had to go through it to get where we are today. :) Youre a beautiful girl! :) Thank you for this post.
I am really enjoying reading your story. Thank you for sharing it with us in such an honest way!
I’ve been looking at your blog for a while now, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I am a recently recovered anorexic and was a dancer in the past so I know how much pressure there is in that world. I think also the pain of eating disorders is not understood and while you weren’t diagnosed completely with anorexia, there are many people who have an “eating disorder not yet specified.” Thank you for sharing the feelings behind your choices and how you’ve gotten better. It’s inspiration like that that can help many others start to live the lives they want to live :o)
What a great post! I love your blog (i’m not sure if commented before, but i’m an avid reader), and especially the new “off the mat” series you’ve been doing. I’m a fellow yogi, and a new yoga teacher. I also have a love and passion for food, and have struggled with disordered eating and self-image issues in the past. I too, have found that yoga has this immense power to heal and change the way we perceive the world, and ourselves. It has definitely taught me a higher level of respect for my body. So glad to hear that you are finding peace within yourself, despite your past issues. You seem like a wonderful and beautiful person—just remember to continue practicing, and all will come!
xoxo the daintiest pig
Great post Courtney! I feel as I have gotten older I have become more comfortable in my own skin, but wow, when I was in high school the distorted body image deal was my worst enemy. Now I look back on those pics and think, “why did I hate how my body looked” it was just fine how it was, but I spent countless hours obsessing and stressing over it. I think this is definitely something we women have in common that I wish we could teach the younger generation not to worry about! Who cares if you are skinny, just BE healthy and LOVE your body, no matter what size :)
P.S. sorry the breakfast didn’t turn out so great….I’ve had my share of flops trying this whole raw foods thing as well!
I LOVE those Synergy drinks. I bought them after seeing them on your blog and you definitely have me hooked! :)
Thanks again for this new Off The Mat. I love how open and honest you’re being! This one really hit home for me since I myself struggled with anorexia for 4 years. It was such a difficult time for me, but your last paragraph sums up EXACTLY how I feel about health, food, and life in general now. Eating, cooking, foods, health, fitness, etc. are all such amazing forms of creativity and passion! Thanks for sharing Courtney!
I think you put your thoughts into words wonderfully. Yoga has taught me to appreciate my body as well. As a result, I’ve been able to build my confidence so much. I really appreciate your honesty :)
Your “Off the Mat” series has been so inspirational. I especially felt every word that you wrote in this series. It was emotional for me read because as a mother of a daughter who took gynastics and later turned cheerleader,….I felt the “pain” that my daughter must have been going through, but never really knew it!
I so appreciate your sharing your deepest emotions of a very private and stressful time. Being open can be so free-ing and I can see that layer by layer has peeled away for you…you even taught me something about my own self-image talk. Who say’s you can’t teach an old dog new “tricks”? 8-)
thank you for your post..
i’ve been following your blog for a while, all the way from australia. i’m struggling with what I suspect is a disordered eating issue right now. Having always possessed what is considered a ‘good’ body and watched my food consumption to keep it so, in the last six months it has slipped out of my control after being assaulted by a group of men. as it was a sexual attack, my good body was arguably to blame for inspiring it.
after, struggling with depression and anxiety, the constant feeling of unease and nausea meant i could no longer ‘hear’ my body or its hunger signals. I started shrinking. People started noticing. Cue the comments. I had never understood how it is just as bad to be underweight as overweight as both betray that on an emotional level you’re not coping: either starving your feelings or eating them…
Stabilizing was difficult: I’m not used to eating more, or having a body that inspires pity not envy. It cannot be underestimated how difficult getting an objective perspective on your own weight is or going against the grain of a lifetime of diet advice and endeavor. I think Lily allen says it best in a song: i want to be able to eat a plate of spaghetti bolognaise and not feel bad about it for days and days and days and days…
Now that I’ve stopped losing weight, I can’t tell anymore if I still need to gain or not. Seeing friends and hearing ‘you’ve put on weight’ automatically translates into a criticism in my head. Yet i miss my ‘good body’, my curvy healthy body. It is a control thing; a perfectionism thing. I overeat, then have a panic attack that harps back to the old days, then meet a friend who makes a ‘negative’ comment, and stuff my face again in lieu of a different type of panic attack.
I think the importance of sharing stories like yours is huge.
Sorry about the raw breakfast, hopefully you find something that works for you! I really like this off the mat story. It hits close to home and while I don’t want to get into it in my comment, I know how you felt.
“don’t eat meat, eat cereal, you will be skinnier.” Ridiculous? I actually do this…ahahaha
I’m sorry you struggled so much with your eating habits and body image when you were younger. I’ve been there too (I am a recovered anorexic). It’s a terrible thing to have to go through. Even more terrible because so many young girls and women go through it. I’m glad you have learned to love and respect your body. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves. You’re beautiful hun, don’t let anyone ever tell you anything different!
Wow. Amazing post Courtney! I commend you for sharing your story and give you so much praise for your honesty, genuinity and strength. You are such a beautiful girl and it’s truly admirable that you are able to shine your inspiration to so many others who suffer the same unberable disordered thoughts that you once went through.
Beleive me, I know what it is like to feel trapped in the sick cycle of disorder eating. It is so much more of an emotional struggle than anything else. Being recovered from anorexia, I can relate first hand to your same struggle. Unfortunitely, I let mine get a little too far and was actually diagnosed, but I am so proud to say that it’s been 3 years, and I am now happier and healthier than I have ever been.
Thanks again for sharing your amazing story! You are such a wonderful inspriation!
Thanks again for the Off the Mat posts. It’s really interesting to learn about your background. It’s so sad that your coaches put that much pressure on you. It seems like gymnastics is often like that, but it really doesn’t need to be.
Too bad about your oats. Sometimes those things are tempermental.
This post is beautiful. I have many shared experiences, along with following my Mom’s Weight Watchers plan at a young age, feeling fat and uncomfortable in my early teens, and seeing a doctor about my “disordered eating”. I too was not “sick enough” to be considered anorexic, but felt the pain of the disordered eating in my mind. Great post. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience in detail, Courtney. It helps to see how much you’ve grown and how secure you are with food, your body, AND SOUL at this time!
I know we all appreciate the honesty, and I just wanted to say thanks again! :)
Hi! I recently discovered your blog and love the joy, humour, and honesty that you bring to every post :) Thank you for sharing your experience, I think almost all females can relate to some form of disordered eating and this constant war against the body. It’s fantastic when we can get beyond all of that and learn to truly love and appreciate our bodies the way they are, and to feel healthy and vibrant from the inside out rather than focusing on appearances :) Bringing it out into the open is always the first step, and you’ve got a very inspiring voice on your blog :)
Courtney! Sweet pea, thanks for this incredible post! I love seeing that you’ve blossomed into this sparkling, sweet yogini and foodie who eats what her body wants! You’re spectacular.
I too was in a gym for gymnastics, cheerleading and dance when I was in junior high and high school. It wasn’t the coaches who made me feel inadequate, it was the other girls (and my mind, of course). Girls were always talking about how little they’d eaten, all their extra workouts, and they’d stand and compare body parts in the mirror. I had never thought of my body that way prior to cheerleading and dance practices, prior to watching others sucking in, pinching and prodding their tummies and thighs.
Wow, your post made me realize just how much I was influenced by all that! Anyway, your coaches seem completely loony and rude and replete of compassion. Crazy!
Hope you have a great night and a better Thursday breakfast :)
This is a beautiful and honest post!
So sorry the oats sucked. I would use whole oat groats next time, and soak them longer!
what kind of camera do you use? because your pics are reallly good :)
Jenna,
Thanks! I use a Canon SDS 880.