Guys, I wish I had something exciting for you on the food front, but alas, I do not. I’m going home this weekend though and can’t wait to get in the kitchen!! I am dreaming up some kind of dish involving polenta…and cheese. Mmmm…
I do, however, have some moderately entertaining pictures. There was a mini photo shoot while waiting for my car to get washed…How come no one told me my hair was such a mess!?
Ok, corny I know. But fun, nevertheless.
I’ll leave you with a thought I had today…but I must first preface this with a story.
Normally when I go to the doctors office, and the nurses take my blood pressure and (gulp) weigh me, I stand on the scale and face the other way, just minding my own business. You see, numbers just take me to a…ummm…err…let’s call it a dark place 
…back to the days when the number on the scale would define my day, my life. Numbers up? Well, I couldn’t possibly have a good day. Numbers down? Aha! Success! I have fought like h-e- double hockey sticks to get out of this mentality and just choose to say no to the scale.
Well, yesterday I went to the doctors office, and like usual, I faced the other way on the scale. I didn’t realize, however, that the computer screen right behind me would be flashing the numbers in THE WORLDS LARGEST FONT! Okay, I exaggerate. But there it was…
My first reaction probably resembled that of a deer in head lights. Not necessarily disappointment, although the thought did cross my mind. It was more like “Holy moly, I haven’t seen my weight in a longggggggggg time.” The number, which was a bit higher than I would have expected, brought up all these emotions: fear, sadness, anxiety, stress. I found myself just struggling a bit in my mind, fighting those little voices that jump at the chance to bring me down. My eyes darted towards my hips, my thighs, my arms and I inevitably found the flaws that only exist in my mind. But that’s when I thought to myself…
Since when does a number on a scale, or the size of the dress (ahem, really adorable dress, I might add!) I’m wearing, define my self worth? I had to take a step back, and look at the bigger picture right then and there.
I have so many things to be grateful for; a body that moves, and flows, and dances…those strong thighs, and muscular arms that carry me and support me as I practice. I have family and friends that love me. I am blessed to be a part of a tribe, a community of yogis and yoginis who inspire me everyday to be a better person. How do I so easily forget that I am blessed? Where did the disconnection begin? And how do I bridge the gap?
Well, I’ll be honest…I don’t have any plans to hop on a scale in the very near future. I just don’t need to. But I know for sure that each time those little voices creep up and try to stand in my way, I’ll stand taller, with the strength and grace and honesty to acknowledge that I’m worth so much more.
And you are too.
“There is a force within which gives you life – seek that. In your body lies a priceless gem – seek that. O wandering soul, if you want to find the greatest treasure don’t look outside, Look inside, and seek that. “
–Rumi
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Oh Courtney, my beautiful friend….
You are stunning! Inside and out and in no way does that number mean anything. And plus, I’m totally convinced that those doc. office scales are rigged! They ALWAYS are higher than any other scale on this earth. I bet they do this on purpose!
I am so happy to hear that you have such a postivie and strong outlook on something that yo could have made so devastating. You are amazing girl and such an inspiration to so many others who would have stuggled like crazy with this experience.
Good for you! :)
What an amazing revelation! I wish I could finally get to that point. I’m working on it!
What wisdom!!
xo
K
I’m the same way at the doctor, and I looked for the first time last year. I was in the same situation as you–but somehow found a way to really, truly not care about the number on the scale. Good for you for being able to suppress that annoying anxiety and negativity! You’re gorgeous :)
Good on you! It’s so hard to let go of the number obsession even though it’s meaningless. This post is a fabulous reminder to focus on what are bodies can do, not on how we can quantify them.
You go girl!
I am so proud of you for fighting back those thoughts! I totally know the ‘deer in head lights’ feeling and this could have totally ruined your day, but alas you are in a better place than your past and this should just be fuel to your success in the future! corny, ok, but true!
ahhh i am totally working on getting to this point too..
You are beautiful and I love what *you* are all about <3
hey there :)
just made my way onto your gorgeous blog. as a yoga lover i was very excited when i found your blog and read a bit about yourself, you seem like such a warm and kind person.
this post truely moved me cause i am just like you. numbers on the scale seem to trigger so much negativity inside my head that i just stay away from knowing any numbers at all. it has brought me to the place where i want to be. a happy, peaceful mind and a good life. what more do we need? surely not a scale right?
have a lovely day
much love
neela
Glad you didn’t let a number bring your self-esteem down!
what a great post and an awesome revelation :)
I also LOVE your glasses! so cute
I don’t believe in scales. They are the devil (right up there with a crowded IKEA)! As long as you feel good, your body works, and your clothes fit what is there to worry about?
I’m sorry the numbers take you to a dark place. Just remember… you are light. You outshine any darkness!
As I read your post I was also watching The Ellen Degenres Show and they are talking about how girls come in all different sizes and that it is a “disgrace” that all of the “role models” in the magazines are stick thin. They are saying that nobody really is that thin, and if they are they aren’t healthy. They brought up the question…why are designers even making size 00? With making such small sizes they are putting thoughts into girls heads to be skinny.
Everyone should embrace the body they were born with. We only get one body, and we should live life to the fullest with it.
I am glad that you have come to terms with your size, and may I let you know that you look beautiful and the perfect size!
I went to the pharmacy today to weigh myself. I have a scale at home, but it’s not really working. I hoped on the scale, but it just didn’t want to weigh me. I took it as a sign from above: ditch the stupid scale, it doesn’t mean anything :)
You are a powerful woman to shun the scale like you do! Too bad it decided to get in your face anyway, haha. But it’s true, the scale is no friend to us. It’s not rocket science to figure out when you’ve gained/lost weight by how the jeans fit! I spent way too long obsessed with the number and I hope to remain free of that for the rest of my life!
You are so amazing. I love this post!
It’s so true-why question the way we look after seeing some number on a scale. You go from appreciation and contempt to anxiety! It’s totally unnecessary and completely mental. Glad you got through it Courtney, xooo!
Awesome post. I don’t care to weigh myself either for similar reasons. Really, what does it matter what I weigh?? What matters is how I feel – as long as I’m living healthy, there’s little need to worry about a number!
I know what you mean about the scale. Sometimes I get hung up on the numbers too. But mostly, I just go by how my clothes fit and how I feel. My husband always loves how I look so that helps a LOT.
hey courtney! i’ve decided to re-enter the blog world, so i thought i would stop by and say hi!
by the way, this post=so right.
i struggle with the scale thing as well (thankfully there are no scales in my reach at school). but being who you are is much more important than what some number says, its great to be reminded.
p.s. your pictures cracked me up :)
Thanks Courtney – I needed to read this today. Numbers schmumbers!
You and your “messy hair” are adorable. :)
oh love. im so glad you are reacting the appropriate way. i haven’t looked at a scale in 4 or 5 months and its a very liberating thing. i’m nervous to do it now, and have planned to avoid it next time i’m at the doctor. have a wonderful weekend.
ps- let me know next time you come home to tampa. maybe we could get grass roots?
Wow! Amazing. That’s awesome that you’ve reached that revelation. Good job. :)
I’m the same way. I hate the scale, and the idea of the scale even. I rarely weigh myself. I remember when i wanted to get healthy, I actually had to stop then, because if I didn’t see a loss, I would panic and just… start the cycle all over again.
Keep up the positiveness!
I am the same way. I had no idea of my weight for years after it was dictating my life. I have had doctors react to me requesting to be weighed backwards (such as oh you have nothing to worry about). I love your post because I recently started weighing myself again and was getting caught up on being a few pounds heavier than I would like. Back when I was obsessed with my weight, yoga was the only time I felt good about my body.
Courtney,
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. As someone who has definitely been in that same position, my heart goes out to you. I absolutely know what that immediate anxiety feels like. It is so wonderful and beautiful to hear you breathe and remind yourself that numbers don’t mean a thing, and that your body is such a wonderful thing that can do yoga, move, be strong, etc etc. You are such an inspiration.
Hope you have a great time at home :-)
~Erika
Peaceandpeanutbutter.wordpress.com
for farrrrr too long I allowed the scale or size of my jeans dictate my moods and feelings of self worth. It’s seriously ridiculous, huh? We can be in a fabulous mood.. feel great about ourselves, and then see that dreaded number on the scale and all of the sudden we immerse ourselves in to self hatred. What changes? Just because we know how much we way why should that take away from the love we feel for ourselves? What does that number resemble? Jeans — don’t get me started on those. The worst thing is, they vary from store to store. I’m a x in one store, and literally 2 sizes larger in another — its enough to drive a girl insane! moral of the story: throw your scales out the window and shop at forever 21 where they use European sizes :)
i went to yoga three days this week, hot yoga tonight. i thought of you and then i just caught up on my blog reading, no wonder i was thinking of you. you are beautiful. i love those pictures of you
girl! what an ispiring post. i usually do blind weights and i haven’t known my weight for several months now and i am afraid for that one day where i do find out my weight! but a number doesn’t define who you are. i am soo much healthier and happier without ED than i was with him.
jenna
Great post Courtney. I’ve gone back and forth with weighing and not weighing and since I know what works for me and my body I’m “almost” to the point where I think I can go without it again. Because really, the number doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel :)
Thanks girl!