It was one of those days. You know…nothing seems to be going right, and when things start to look up…BAM. Down again.
I wish I could be my normally perky self and tell you of all the pleasantries of my day…but today just wasn’t one of those days.
I slept for 6 hours thanks to a throbbing lower back and right leg (read this post on my back injury for all the details). It still hurt a bit to walk this morning, mostly on the outside edge of my foot and heel. I’ve pigeoned, triangled, forward folded and bound angled like it’s going out of style, but my hips and hamstrings, just moments after a stretch are locked up again, tight as can be and hard as a rock to the touch.
It wasn’t so much the pain that was bad, but the frustration of being thousands of miles from home, where all my “tools” for helping my back are readily available. I have one (very flat and wimpy) pillow here – so propping myself in any comfortable position is not gonna happen. Ice pack? Let me jut pull that out of my freezer – oh wait. I don’t have one. Every solution is proving to be difficult, and my stubbornness and frustration are increasing by the minute.
I woke up this morning, tip toeing around the house, not just in an effort to be quiet for my sleeping roommates, but because that was the only option thanks to the pain in my foot, and made some breakfast – extra special oats for extra special me.
I suddenly remembered my “upside down layer oats” last night and knew I had to make them this morning. Getting creative did perk me up for a bit..I layered half of a banana in the bottom of a mug, globbed on a spoon of almond butter, and poured some hot oats over making everything melty, ooey, gooey delicious.
I took it easy this morning – read for class (upside down on my bed with my feet up the wall, I might add), wrote some of my paper (in pigeon on the floor), and drank way too much coffee. I finally decided that I’d go crazy on this gorgeous Paris day if I didn’t leave the apartment, so I put on my supportive shoes and took the metro to Jardin des Tuileries to sit in the park and soak up the sun.
I finally started to feel home again, soaking up the sun and listening to the birds chirping. I realized that it’s not so much home as in my house in Tampa home that I’m pining for, but a feeling. A happy and content in my heart kinda feeling, ya know? I’m looking – but I know it’s a process. I wrote in my journal in the park, trying to make peace with the fact that this is a journey and that I don’t have, and might never have, the answers.
Unfortunately, the peace was disturbed on my way back home. I stopped in a mini grocery store on the way home just out of Montparnasse to buy a few things to make some dinner. The bill was 5.35 euro, so I handed the guy the only bill I had, a 20, and 35 centime. I waited there for my change, but he handed me my receipt and bid me adieu.
Hold the phone. Wha? But shouldn’t I be getting 15 euro back? I tried to muster up some French to help my situation – Je vous ai donné 20. He insisted that I did not and I didn’t know what else to say. My French isn’t good enough to put up a fight.
I kept saying the same thing, and he eventually turned to the next customer and ignored what I was saying. I left in shock, feeling defeated, frustrated, angry. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but I sobbed all the way home.
The tears were flowing. Okay, flowing is a nice way to say it. By the time I got home, I called my parents and could barely get a word out between sobs and gasps for air. It’s not about the 15 euro. It’s a combination of things – the back pain, the language barrier, the lack of ease and accessibility that I used to have and the little tinge of sadness that my friends are (gasp!) having fun without me back home. My heart just feels a little broken.
Maybe delayed onset culture shock? I’m not sure, but I know I needed a good cry. You know that feeling? I just needed to let out the pent up stress and frustration.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Paris and I am treasuring my time here. But there is no denying that it’s stressful. I’ve left my home, moved to a new country with a different language, different way of life, different everything. I think I hit my breaking point today. Okay, correction… I did, in fact, hit my breaking point today.
I cleaned up the tears, wiped the mascara off my face, and decided to practice for a bit after getting off the phone with my parents, who God bless their souls, did their best to help. I moved really slowly and deliberately through lots of hamstring and hip openers, listening to music and being gentle with myself. The tears subsided, and I felt better after. Have you ever had that feeling after you cry and cry – and then you just don’t have any tears left in you? It was that kind of feeling – like I got it all out. Just what I needed.
My appetite finally resurfaced after a midday hiatus. I had planned to try something new in the kitchen, but I was exhausted and just wanted some comfort food. Well, my version of comfort food at least – scrambled eggs with spinach, onion and creamy goat cheese. 20 euro, creamy goat cheese. At least it was good.
Pardon my less than perky post – but I like to think that honesty is the best policy. It wasn’t the best of days, but tomorrow is a new one.
The Warrior of Light has learned that God uses solidarity to teach us how to live with other people. He uses rage to show us the infinite value of peace. He uses boredom to underline the importance of adventure and spontaneity. God uses silence to teach us to use words responsibly. He uses tiredness so we can understand the value of waking up. He uses illness to underline the blessing of good health. God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth to explain the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life.
Have you ever been treated like that in a store?
The customer is never right in Paris. This one time a few weeks ago I was at a restaurant in the Asian district and ordered beef, only to be brought pork. When I told them I ordered beef, he grabbed the chopsticks out of my hand and pointed to the pork saying you ordered meat, this is meat! My friends, who speak French much better than me, tried to tell the guy that I ordered beef, but he insisted that I ordered pork and stormed off. Needless to say, I won’t be returning there anytime soon. Nor the corner store I was at today.
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yikes…that doesn’t sound fun at all! it doesn’t take much for a merchant to sit back and realize they’re at fault…but i don’t know how to say that in French. :) i hope you have a much better rest of the day and tomorrow!
That’s horrible, how the clerk treated you! I don’t think I’ve ever been treated like that, but recently I ordered something from a deli that had a mis-labeled price, so I thought it was going to be $5 but it was actually $17. It came the day after I had gotten into a car accident that was my fault, so I know what you mean about bad things piling on top of each other.
That’s great that you are writing about it calmly (I think I would have used some swear words to describe the clerk!) and have a good perspective. You are giving all of your readers (some of whom have never been to Paris, like me!) a view of life there, and we appreciate it. Sorry there is some bad mixed in with all the good. Feel better!
Hey Courtney,
I’m a new reader to your blog, and I really enjoy reading. I’ve been digging the pictures of Paris, and your eye for unique shots. I can totally empathize with your post today. I just returned to the States after living in Ireland for about a year and a half. And even in an English-speaking country, where my family is from, I had those days where it just seemed insurmountable, a little lonely and just plain ugh. I always tried to remember, though, that even the crap experiences were ones you’d take back with you and say, you know what, I actually lived there, I wasn’t just a tourist. For better or worse I was sleeves-r0lled up in there with the locals. So cheers to that, deep cleansing breaths, good luck and I hope you feel better!
Sláinte/namaste,
e.m.
Awww, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Sending you lots of virtual hugs!
hello
i am from Spain and i had lived alone in tampa since december 2008. i know really how do you feel, i never speak english before and now i am working, studying, living in my apartment and always alonnnneeee.
take a deep breath and keep going
laura
Courtney, I’ve been a quiet follower of your blog for some time, but this post has given me the occasion to comment. One thing I’ve learned from living in Europe is that if the customer is never right, the American customer doesn’t have a chance–especially in countries with a strong national identity like Spain or France. I live in Holland now and I don’t get that treatment quite as often, but when I lived in Spain (I was there nearly a year), I never got past the trappings that come with being a foreigner–no matter how much my Spanish improved. Paying extra for everything, getting treated badly– it really isn’t fun. I’ve had those days… we all have. And you never know, maybe that clerk was having one of those days, too. On the bright side, you’re in Paris! And like your passage reminds us, good and bad are a necessary pair: without each other, neither would have any meaning. I think you should head back to Passage Brady! The diaspora communities understand what it means to be a foreigner and will no doubt treat you better–plus you’ll get some delicious food!! I’m going to be in Paris in a couple weeks and you can bet I’ll be eating at Pooja.
Best!
Blargh, sorry about the rough day! Sometimes everything just seems to be wrong. Magically, those days soon disappear and you can see the beauty again! Hoping that you feel more like your lovely self soon! Hugs.
Sorry to hear about the miscommunication.. I really know how you feel. I lived in Sweden for 2 years and the first 3 months I knew NO swedish at all. I had never heard it, read it nor spoke it before I moved there. It was frustrating and I called home crying to my parents several times. My point is that a lot of us has been there… moving to a new country with a new language and new norms is hard! However, what you get out of it in the end is definitely worth it. Take a deep breath and everything will work out and your experience abroad will be nothing short of amazing! xoxo
That sounds like such a horrible situation!! I’m sorry! :(
I hope the rest of your stay in France is nothing short of amazing! You’ll be home in no time!
Hi there! I normally don’t comment, but I’ve been reading for a while and have followed your whole Paris journey.
I had a very similar experience to you when I was 22. I moved to a small town in northern Germany for the summer to do an internship at an International Shakespeare Festival. Having grown up in Germany, I spoke the language quite well, but I hadn’t lived there in about eight years and felt very American. As much as I loved the town, my job, the country, etc., it was incredibly hard at times. I think people (you and I, our friends, our families) often underestimate how hard it is to live abroad by yourself for any amount of time. I felt so guilty sometimes for not fully enjoying my experience there or for not always making the most of such incredibly wonderful circumstances. I cried a lot of tears, I was often lonely and I felt a lot of guilt over not being 100% thrilled to be where I was.
I’ve been back five years now and that summer remains a pivotal time in my life. It’s the summer I went from being an adolescent to an adult. It’s the summer I learned I was totally capable of solving all my own problems and that it’s completely OK not to be happy most of the time, even if you’re in your favorite place on earth. That summer I proved to myself how self-sufficient I actually am, and that confidence has helped shaped my time since then.
I’m sorry about your back and sorry that some things feels a little challenging right now. You seem to be well grounded in the reality of your situation, including all the highs and lows that come from being a young American living abroad. But trust me, you will always be so happy that you did this. You will be proud of yourself for having gone through this. This is a great time in your life, but it’s OK to feel a little lonely and sad about it sometimes.
What a crappy situation! I haven’t had anything exactly like that happen, but similar occasions for sure. All you can really do is keep your head up and know that whether it was a misunderstanding or pure malice – what goes around comes around! ;)
And you shouldn’t apologize for not having a super-cheery post. You are only human, and hey – this is YOUR blog :)
Hope you are feeling better!
Travel can be very stressful. Sometimes you have to hold out a bill and make eye contact in a market type place (or any!) Because people will unforunately try to rip you off.
But remember how lucky you are to travel in France, and I hope, no, I know there will be better days ahead!
Ow, so you’ve experienced the not-so-bright-side of Paris that we, French from “La Province” (ie anywhere in France but Paris) don’t like so much… I feel so sorry for this, I hate it when French people do nothing to erase the clichés about us.
We all have our bad days, being able to confront and go past them is what makes experience. When I was in college I spent a whole academic year in the UK. I had a hard time, struggling with binge eating (it had already started back in France), cried just like you did today, more than once. But I had the best time of my life and it was a big eye opener about several things.
It is hard, and you are perfectly entitled to feeling under the weather sometimes, but it will all makes sense later, when you are back home and thinking about what this time in Europe meant and brought to you.
Bonne chance, bon courage, et grosses bises de Bruxelles!
Girl, I hear you. I am so sorry that happened- I think it is completely wrong you did not get your 15 euro back… but sometimes things like that happen, and you have to deal- C’est la vie. But I myself would have mostly liked reacted exactly the same way as yourself in your situation. Living in Italy I had a few days of homesickness, not longing for my physical HOME, but a feeling of home. You will get through it! I found talking to family, reading, journaling, and above all- YOGA helped me. I recently got past a tough month or so living here in Canada- so it’s not that far from home, but a change of 700 miles and a whole country stress a girl out! I say, cry- it won’t last forever, it doesn’t make you any less of a person, it works. Then pick your head up, and smile. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, SMILE. Maybe one day it will help =D
And do not apologize- we all have those days.
I hope your days following will be better! Enjoy Paris!
xo
K
Sorry for your bad day! That is a bummer about the store. I would have been livid!
I had somewhat of a similar experience while I was studying abroad in France. My friend and I had been out in Paris and it began to POUR, so we had no choice but to run into a restaurant around the corner. It was one of our first days in Paris, so we weren’t exactly accustomed yet to the culture. I had to go to the restroom, so I politely asked our waiter waiter, “Ou est la salle de bains?”… thinking I was asking for the bathroom/toilet. The guy looked at me like I was from another planet and abruptly said “Non!” Confused, I walked around and found the “bathroom”, and as I came out the same waiter passed me and stopped in his tracks, pointed to the bathroom and shouted “les toilettes!!” It was embarassing at the time, but now it’s just funny.
Keep your chin up, bad days make the good ones THAT much better :)
my dear, YOU are an amazing writer.
Your heart really showed the past few days and your expression was felt with every word you wrote…and when I finished reading this post….I felt your strength! whoo-rah!
You go girl!
Again, thank you for sharing!
Oy Vay my dear. I am so sorry to hear about such a crummy day, but we all have them! Unfortunately, they are just unavoidable. Tomorrow will be better! :) It’s only one day out of the thousands and wonderful days to come.
Love to you Courtney! :)
Ahhh the study abroad rite of passage: the emotional break down. I think I actually had multiple during last semester in Nairobi, so I can totally relate. When “the honeymoon phase” ended for me, it was a pretty rough feeling. I remember just lying on my bed and crying because I felt so overwhelmed by the constant struggle of living in such a busy, challenging city and by the tremendous responsibility that my internship had heaped onto me.
Being a white girl in Kenya meant everyone was trying to rip me off left and right, so I feel your pain. It sucks, but I think the best thing to do is try not to take it too personally. Karma will come back to bite him in the ass, I’m sure.
Remember this- at the end of the semester, little incidents like this will be all but forgotten. You’ll look back on this whole Paris experience and remember the good parts of each day, the small pleasures as well as the big ones. Bad days like this will just be water under the bridge. I have faith!
In Australia I always felt like vendors were trying to short-change me, not giving me back enough…and I started always counting money and checking math because once I actually had to have a minor argument with someone who gave me back 10 dollars instead of 20. anyway, I think thats a little different but I can say I feel your pain and it’s even harder when you are in a forcing country AND a different language…eek. You are a strong girl and it isn’t easy.
*foreign not forcing….I’m making all sorts of weird typos today…!
This Sunday, I was almost kicked off my 3:40am boat to the Venice airport to catch my 6:45am flight home to NY beacause I was unable to buy tickets at the dock (machine was not working), the attendant couldn’t take cards, and wouldnt let me get off to try a different machine at a stop. I offered him American dollars, having spent all my Euros in anticipation of my return home, but he said it wasn’t enough (it was, i did the conversion). I speak Italian as my family is Italian and I’ve got 6 years of classroom experience behind me, but he was treating me like a stupid, destitute, alien. When I was pleading with him that I’d miss my plane, and had no other options, he did nothing but tell me I had to leave. Can you imagine telling anyone that at 3am?? Clearly I am not on this boat for kicks. Luckily, a lovely British man gave him 15E to cover me—far more than he deserved, as he had $26 of mine, and the ticket itself was only 10E (obviously the attendant kept both the 15E and my $26). Some people just really don’t understand how karma works…
This reminds me of two things:-
1. When I was living in Australia. It was the most beautiful hot sunny day. Again. And frankly I was sick of the sun. I’m British and I was (believe it or not) missing the rain. My back hurt too (I have a lot of pain issues and I think pain makes us much less able to cope with life in general) and I too had realised that life back in the UK was going on without me. I cried and cried on the phone to my mum. I was inconsolable….
And then the next day, I was OK again, because like you say, tomorrow is another day.
2. I remember being in Marseilles with my nan, years ago and she was trying to buy some gloves from this boutique. Nan’s french was good but in Marseilles they speak a different kind of French. Nan struggled and struggled and then the woman answered in perfect English. Rude old witch. My nan gave her short shrift! Ha!
Take care of yourself x
Oh honey! It will be okay. Some people just have their knickers in a twist all the time! Don’t take it personally. (Easier said than done, right?) I hope your back and foot heal quickly and someone takes you under their wing tomorrow.
My Husband and I had a similar situation at a bar one time. Husband handed the girl a twenty asking her to change it into smaller bills so he could tip her. She promptly scooped it up and threw it in her tip jar and moved on. I went back over once he told me what happened and she totally tried to say he had (in a flirtatious manner) told her to “take that”. I explained that he had said “cash that” and that we wouldn’t tip $20 on a $20 bill, but she acted like I was an idiot and turned around and ignored me. I was pretty much fuming. Had I been her and found out that someone hadn’t intended to give me that much money I would have been embarassed to keep it. But I guess she needed it more than we did. People just suck some days. Glad you got a good cry in though. Sometimes those are God’s medicine!
I think it’s totally normal for your culture shock to set in now. At first when travelling, I think although it’s an adjustment, we go through a honeymoon phase. All the differences seem kind of charming. As you settle in and things become every day life I think that’s when culture shock is most noticeable. Hang in there! I’m sure it will pass soon :)
Hey lady. It is so hard to have a down day and be far from home. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Lika Pema Chodron says, “lean into the sharp points”. Sounds like you did that. Take care of yourself!
As you can tell from all the commentary here, there are some days living abroad when you just have had *ENOUGH*. Here is my official definition:
relentless physical pain + mean person + language barrier + weltschmerz = ENOUGH
When you have the inevitable ENOUGH day, the best thing to do is have yourself a big ol’ cry. Or make out with a hot guy. Hopefully that’s up next for you. ;-) heehee
Sorry to hear about that unbelievably rude service you encountered today. On a larger note though, I’m sorry to hear you had a strenuous day. We all have them, and there’s no need to apologize for a “less than perky” post. You’re adjusting to an entirely new world, all while in the middle of a transitional age. That’s a lot to absorb and adapt to. You’re allowed to have some rough days! I think letting out a good, long cry is one of the healthiest remedies out there. It’s much better than stuffing the stress way down until you’re numb. I admire your decision to temporarily escape your comfort zone and broaden your horizons in a foreign country. That takes guts!
Also, that upside down oatmeal is GENIUS. Thanks for sharing…both the food concoctions and the honest emotions.
Yes, unfortunately I have been treated that way. I’m originally from Europe and lived there most of my life and rude service is almost the norm. That’s why I live in the States now. :) (still love Europe, I just think people are more polite here)
I so know that feeling! I my self have burst into tears this week and again my poor parents had to deal with my emotional outburst. I am over it now and feel great! Hope the same happens for you. I SOOO know the feeling.
I had a similar experience a few years back in France. My friends and I all sat down to have a drink at a bar. I wasnt feeling good so I stuck with my half empty bottle of water. I guess the bar tender didnt like the fact that I was drinking water, that wasnt bought at his bar, he came over and ripped it out of my hands and yelled at me to get out! It was the scariest thing ever!
Courtney, I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while but I don’t recall commenting. This post was really touching and I could not leave without a word.
Let me share a similar yet different story with you.
I currently live in Vancouver but last year I went to Quebec, the Francophone province of Canada for 5 weeks to study French. I was in the most francophone region of Quebec(and frankly, a very rural region) where nobody (I mean nobody) spoke a word of English.
I think it was my third week there that I totally and utterly broke down. I had gotten a severe eye infection from swimming daily. I could not blink my eyes without crying. It hurt real bad.
I phone mom but there was nothing she could do;I spent half the day miserable with a painful eye.
Finally I decided to head over to the pharmacy to explain in whatever French I can muster(mind you, my French was horrible) about my eye to the pharmacist. He merely looked at me puzzled. At that point I had had enough and broke down right in front of him. The frustration of my inability to express myself, the homesickness and the occasional pangs of loneliness I felt even though I was surrounded with people was very hard to endure. But looking back, the experience has made me a stronger, more knowledgeable person by ten-fold.
I understand being away from home can make you feel so much more vulnerable to even the slightest shift of emotions. But always bear in mind that there are others that have gone through similar and at times worse things. Also, remind yourself that you are in a place where some people (like me ;) ) merely dream of being!
I love your blog, and Courtney, take care!
Ohhh, Paris. The only place in the world so beautiful and rude. On a trip to France with an exchange program in high school, my best friend (a bigger girl, by French standards) accidentally used the informal ‘tu’ with a clerk in a dress shop, and he was so rude to her that she stumbled all over her words and couldn’t ask him if he had a bigger size in the dress she wanted. So, I asked for her: “Avez-vous des autres tailles?” and he said, “Pour vous? Oui. Pour… ELLE? Non.”
She wept all the way home.
I just found your blog yesterday, but I love it. Your healthy diet and lifestyle clearly agrees with you– beautiful hair and skin, strong body and bones. So inspiring. Thank you! :)
Catherine