I’ve got lots of thoughts today, my friends. Lots of thoughts.
First off – the winner of a year long subscription to YogaDownload (chosen with Random.org)…
Congrats, Grace! I’ll email you shortly!
Thank you to everyone who entered – you all still have a chance to get a discount! Just enter the code HungryYogini at checkout through March 31st for a 35% discount on all classes through YogaDownload. Enjoy!
Now, onto the next order of business…
After a lunch out on the town, I feel compelled to share some thoughts with you. I do love good food. Mmm, yes I do. And dining out is such a treat…a time to relax and spend time with friends and family. But to be honest – as much as I love it, I hate it just the same.
You heard me. Hate it.
Heather summed it up really well last week in this post about her “rules for dining out,” and I found myself relating to exactly what she described. I go to restaurants a lot of the time with some preconceived idea of what I can eat, usually based on what I’ve eaten earlier in the day, what I plan to eat later, and however I feel about the usually imaginary ounce or two I’ve gained in the last 18 and a half minutes. Ridiculous. But true.
Now. Picture you’re living in Paris, home to some of the most delicious food ever. Everyday you leave the house, instantly smelling the macarons and fresh baguettes coming from the bakeries on every corner, and watching gorgeous people dining in the cafes and restaurants on every street, sipping wine and eating foie gras and crème brûlée like it’s going out of style.
Today I was amongst those diners, and ventured out to lunch with my foodie friend Jane, feeling both equally excited to have a meal in her company, and anxious about calories, sugar, and overindulgence.
The food was wonderful – we each ordered the Salade Popeye; a bed of spinach with bacon, parmesan, balsamic vinaigrette and a poached egg.
But this post isn’t about the food. There we sat – two young, beautiful girls in Paris, both worried about the same thing.
We talked about it – the frustration, the anger at the fact that we even felt the way we did; guilty about our past few months of indulgence as we eat our way through Paris, wanting to do something about it, but yet still wanting to fully embrace this experience and accepting the fact that right now, we are where we are and that’s that. Jane is a women’s studies major, and I too have read every book about female empowerment (amen, sistah friend!), but despite reading and studying strong women, confident role models who are so much more than some outside shape or figure, we both struggle.
Doesn’t it just make you mad? Why, oh why, can we not just sit back, relax, and enjoy? Why does my Salade Popeye, in all it’s cheesy, bacon filled goodness, come with a steaming hot side dish of guilt and remorse?
I’ve read the books, I’ve gotten, err, help, and I take deep breaths ‘til I’m blue in the face, and still continue to feel that duality – the desire to surround myself with good food, and that little tinge of guilt for doing so.
It’s the ultimate food fight. No, not that messy lunch cafeteria food fight with spaghetti flying across the room – another kind of food fight; that internal battle that so many of us have going on at any given moment. Be it rules for dining out, or a special diet of some kind, there are different degrees to this food fight, but it seems to be such a recurring theme and I just want to do something about it, know what I mean? Why can’t we just stop the food fight?
Paris has challenged me in ways I can’t even describe. This has always been something that’s been a part of me, ever since I can remember at this point, but adapting to a new culture, language, and way of life has brought the challenge to a whole new level, forcing me to stay on my toes and more than anything, be gentle with myself. I like to think of the challenge as a positive thing though – yes, it gets hard, but I think I’m going to come out stronger in the end, yes?
I’m not sure what the solution is, but I wanted to talk about it, mostly because after my conversation with Jane today, I know I’m not the only one. It’s just one of those things that I think about often, but just don’t really know what to do about, know what I mean? But. I’m ready to.
What are your thoughts? Do you have rules, or feel that duality with indulgence and guilt? How do you deal with the “food fight?”
Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll leave you with a little poem, a new favorite.
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
– Wendell Berry
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wow, thank you for being so open and honest about this struggle. i know that if i were there i would have the same problems as well. and i know it’s hard to just forget about that and enjoy yourself, but think about what you love about food: it’s ability to nourish, nurture, bring back memories, increase energy, give you strength, etc. enjoy it for what it is and what it does, because even though it’s one of 3 things we need to live, it’s so much more, and you get to experience it in a way that a lot of people don’t. i’m thinking of you and hope that you can find a way to enjoy this beautiful adventure that you’re on!
Yes, you WILL come out stronger in the end my friend. I think all of us need a dose of the Parisian lifestyle with their cheese, bread, and chocolate. Keep it simple, ENJOY every bite, focus on the company, and then walk walk walk. Sounds so simple, no? Then why so difficult…why all the rules? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know.
Did I leave that Wendell Berry poem on your last post about poetry?? I deliberated that and another…..I have to go check now. Anyhow, love him.
it’s really nice to see that someone is acknowledging this. I wonder all the time, “why do I have to worry about food so much? Why can’t I just enjoy it and move on?” And then compare myself to other women…
For me, it’s really just about listening to my body and the rational part of my mind. (That’s something I’m working on…) One problem that this presents though, is the battle of cravings. To give in, or not? I am craving something because I’m stressed, or because my body is trying to make up for lacking nutrients?
But much like you, I wonder if the worrying will ever cease!
Gosh, thank you for so openly and honestly addressing the notion of “food fights”. I admire you so much for moving to a foreign country and living life there, without any idea of how things would go. As much as I would adore to pick up and live in paris when I graduate, i know that things like that are such a HUGE challenge for me. I’ve finally started to enjoy the occasional dinner out–key word: occasional. When I was in Mexico last week with my family, I dreaded the indulgent meals each night, knowing there was no way out of it, and then being starving by the time dinner rolled around! Why can’t we just enjoy? I don’t know. But it’s something I would definitely like to let go of as well.
all I can say is that you are having the experience of a lifetime, and without a doubt you will look back on this one day and be SO very thankful and grateful for each and every feeling and experience you have had while in Paris.
Congrats to the winner!!
Great Post.
I heard something interesting a while ago that has stuck with me, the question “what do you work the hardest at?” I know I don’t want my answer to be health and fitness or being fit and thin. Yes those things are important, but they are not the MOST important–yet it is what I catch myself fretting about more than most things. Achieving the “perfect body” will not make a lasting impact on anyone but myself (and it won’t last!). I need to keep asking myself that question until I like the answer.
And as for Paris, you would have serious regrets if you returned having lived your life exactly how you do here in the states. You would regret it if you spent days inside on a yoga mat instead of spending those beautiful days exploring a new city for all it has to offer-including the food. You are so brave to discuss this tension that we all feel on vacation from our routine. Thanks for the thoughtfulness and honesty
I couldnt relate to this post more! I felt the same exact way when I was in Greece – and I still dont have answers. All I know is that in the grand scheme of things 5 pounds is only 5 pounds. And sure it takes time to lose those pounds and sure some women are able to not gain an ounce – but thats not me. I know that when I look back on my travels & indulgences Im not going to wonder why I didnt eat the roll, Im going to wish I had eaten 5 more! Sure, its easier to say that do – but honestly its not like this is the rest of your life its just right now. So enjoy yourself and eat a baguette :)
I sincerely love your posts, and they always seem to hit close to home at exactly the right times (i.e. I’m traveling to New York this weekend and was thinking many of these same things).
You mentioned Eat Pray Love a few entries back; It’s funny, as a lot of your experiences/thoughts from Paris have really reminded me of Elizabeth Gilbert’s time in Italy. I know you just bought the book, so maybe go back and read some things she has to say about indulging and the “food fight.” That book was so wonderful and eye and heart opening when I read it; it really helped me with a lot of things I was struggling with.
I am so glad I’m not alone on this one! It is so hard to find the balance…lately, I’ve gained a lot of weight for some reason (perhaps because of my injury that has kept me from running/cycling? my thyroid issues flaring up again? I don’t know, but I don’t like it), and I’ve been torturing myself about food and my body image. I decided today that I have to STOP that. I want to enjoy my food and live my life to the fullest!
I promised myself today that I will listen to what my body is craving, and eat that. I also plan to get in plenty of walks, strength workouts and yoga to keep myself feeling fit and strong.
THANK YOU for this amazing post. Enjoy Paris and the food… you only live once, and hello, you’re in PARIS!
That list is a little… insane. I don’t want to be judgmental but it is. It’s unhealthy. For people so focused on health, most food-related blogs seem incredibly obsessive and sad. I think there is a lot of unintended perpetuating of very corrosive ideals going on and it makes me sad. Be rational! Almost all you women writing these blogs are physically active and you eat nutritious foods. If you eat too much during a few sittings, if you miss exercising a couple of times WHILE SPENDING A SEMESTER IN ~PARIS~ (?!), nothing, NOTHING bad will happen. If you gain ten pounds YOU WILL BE OKAY. If you gain twenty YOU WILL BE OKAY. You are still essentially HEALTHY.
So many of us go through this! And in Paris of all places, it’s crazy! One day, it has to end.
This is a fabulous post and I think everyone deals with this issue at one point or another. I think I good question to ask yourself is “what are you priorities?” and “why do you want to be known for?” I’m guessing it’s not how you look, but how you feel and how great of a girl you truly are. You’ve been able to touch so many people through your blog and in real life that honestly, no one will judge you if you’re 10# heavier or 10# lighter as long as you were happy.
I obviously had major issues with this situation when I was sick and it was horrible. I still struggle on my bad days, but then I remember that 1. I got a second chance at life and 2. enjoying myself and living is much more important than the weight I carry. I’m sure you really haven’t gained a lot of weight so just listen to your body. Be good to yourself and I promise you deserve to enjoy your time :)
Kelly,
Yes, I think you did!! Loved it!
I discovered your blog (and blogs in general) last fall and I absolutely love it…I don’t have a blog but I routinely look at about 8 for food ideas and inspiration…Some of your posts, such as todays, are incredibly authentic and honest, they definitely strike a chord…
I think just talking about these issues is really empowering, and helps you to make them non-issues…in my experience, it is when I pretend that my relationship with food is completely “normal” that something is going wrong – when you can’t be honest that seems to indicate a problem. I doubt many women always look at a meal and only see a delicious meal – no thoughts or worries attached – but that is definitely a goal of mine – to allow food to be food – to be nutrition and sustenance and pleasure. I suppose I would like to see food the way I did when I was a child – without fear – and to stop eating because I’m satisfied – like I did as a child – and not because my mind or my calculations tell me that I’ve had enough.
Anyway wanted to say I admire your honesty and love your blog, it makes me think and it inspires me.
One last thing – you said you’d read a lot about female empowerment – I was wondering if you could make some recommendations?
I was going to write that yes it is a bit insane, but I remember that I too “prepare” when I eat out. I also have rules: I check the online menu, and most of the time I will have chosen what I will have beforehand (usually there is like one vegetarian option so the choice is not too difficult :-D), and “plan” my day of eats around it. Won’t order appetizer, will leave room for dessert, but not the super rich one, some wine maybe but not too much. And ultimately I enjoy going to the restaurant and not feel guilty about what I eat.
But why does the thought of guilt even cross my mind? I don’t know. But all I know is that I would like to stop preparing like this and cutting myself some slack!
Life is short.
Indulge.
Seriously.
You eat super-healthily, what, 85, 90 % of the time ? You work out. You’re not fat (far from it!). You look fantastic.
You really waste more than 3 seconds of your precious life feeling guilty about eating a salad, of all things ? “bed of spinach with bacon, parmesan, balsamic vinaigrette and a poached egg” ? What’s wrong with that ? When you say bacon, are you eating half a pig there ? No, I didn’t think so. So what’s the problem ? Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
Will it help you to know that in my experience this issue does improve with age. I used to be uber (yes I used the word uber – I am old, so it’s OK) obsessive about exercise and about calories. Honestly, as I got older I stopped caring. And you know what? I’m only a few pounds heavier at 35 than I was at 25 :)
Rember Ahimsa and relate it to yourself. Treat yourself with loving kindness. You deserve it.
I agree with Rachel that Ahimsa is a good yama to have at the ready when you’re not feeling the self-love. That said, “with practice, all is coming”! I’m not sure if you’ve read Christina Sell’s book “Yoga from the Inside Out” but she touches on a lot of the issues you’ve raised in a way that’s really inspiring. Highly recommend!
I definitely relate to your food fight struggle. Even though I’m currently trying to lose weight (which, come to think of it, is something I’m always “Currently trying to do”), I will ridicule myself for every little “indulgent” morsel that makes it into my mouth long after it’s digested. It’s such a waste of mental strain and energy. Not to mention the guilt that follows. While it stinks that a lot of us ladies have this love/hate relationship with food, it’s good to know we have each other to relate to…and eventually get over it with.
Ahhh yes I know this all too well. I used to have rules and would ‘food fight’ with EVERYTHING – even vegetables. I hated eating carrots, pumpkin, and sweet potato because they were too starchy. I refused to cook food in even a drop of oil. I counted the milk I used in coffee in my calorie count for the day. And of course, the restaurant guilt!
I’ve gotten better with the vegies thing (hello sweet potato fries!), but the restaurant thing BUGS me. You want to go out and enjoy your meal, yet there’s this nagging guilt..and so many factors that influence what you order. Argh! Your salad looks divine though :)
Good Morning!
Your blog resonated with me today. I’m also a graduate of Stephanie’s teacher training program in Asheville so I come from the yoga perspective, but also just the difficult perspective of being a girl trying to enjoy good food.
I love food. I love everything about it, shopping for it, preparing it, eating it, cleaning up after eating it. But, there is always that one thing. The guilt, the idea that the food is making me FAT. Ridiculous, I’m not fat, I’m not even over weight, I work out more than anyone I know. I like rich foods, but I never eat processed foods, I’ve got lots of rules around food. I try to eat mostly locally, organically, and when I eat meat, I try to make sure it is only local meat, with no growth hormones or anti-biotics.
Yet, I still struggle with the guilt.
I’m astounded that I’ve bought into the idea of not wanting to be fat so much that I can’t enjoy the nourishing morsels I put in my mouth. It’s frustrating, I’m not sure what to do about it.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about food. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
Take Care,
-Alisha
Great topic Courtney…I struggled with the exact same thing when I travelled Europe. Eventually I took it way too far, giving up any sort of moderation all together and just “enjoying” myself. Thing is, I really wasn’t! I was eating too much and felt like crap. I think the thing is, and I’ve realized this since returning, is that good food can be enjoyed 100% as long as it is done in moderation. Enjoy your glass of wine or piece of cake but just have one glass, just have a small piece…and don’t do it every day. Good food is enjoyed so much more when theres no guilt associated with it and I think we can avoid the guilt by treating treats as just that…an occassional treat.
There’s a great line in the song “Everything’s Just Wonderful” by Lily Allen that goes “I want to be able to eat spaghetti bolognese / and not feel bad about it for days and days and days.” It does seem silly to obsess about food and weight, but it’s a real struggle that most women seem to go through. I wish it were as easy as telling ourselves to snap out of it, but I still don’t know how to totally shut off the need to meet a superhuman beauty ideal.
I definitely feel the same things that you do.
But, I have never thought back on one of my many trips to Paris, Europe, etc, and thought to myself, “I wish I ate less ice cream, didn’t eat a baguette everyday, and darn that cheese! What was I thinking?” Instead I thought back about how wonderful the food was and how I only wished we had half as much of the deliciousness here in the US. You are submersing yourself in the culture there. You should enjoy it as much as you can. You are also walking so much, I bet you are burning off the calories. Also, with all the stressing out you are doing, I bet you are burning off the calories!!!!!! Enjoy yourself. You may never have this experience again. If you look back on your time there, you might be mad at yourself for worrying about this stuff…not for actually enjoying.
Hey gurl,
Love your blog, and particularly your post today. I am curious, what female empowerment books are your favorite?
You’re so strong for being so honest and open… I love love love reading your posts!!! Have a fantastic time in Paris!
xoxo
Thank you for this wonderful post. Definitely fight my own “food fight” but I’ve found that just letting go (which is definitely harder to do than to say) and going with the flow (eating what sounds good in a restaurant, practicing moderation) makes my body much, much happier than punishing it by focusing too much on what I’m eating.
This is such an honest post but it is SO true for so many of us. Women especially have such guilty feelings towards food. How much? What kind? When? It’s terrible. I appreciate you putting it out there for all of us! and please, eat EVERYTHING you can while you are there :)
I hear you, all the way. I have been feeling this way a lot lately. It is hard, especially because I am in culinary school, surrounded by amazing, albeit unhealthy food. Balancing is hard- especially because my budget is limited, and the unhealthy food is free… I want to reach for it. But when I do, I feel guilt. I think it is a struggle all of us health-minded foodies have. I LOVE food. I love good, fresh food- healthy and not-so-healthy. I wish I could wipe the guilt from my head when I indulge, but I know better. I try, instead, to balance it all out. I have been trying to find a healthy way to balance- looking at balancing carbs, protein and fat intake- without recording calories or grams, or getting obsessive. It is hard. I don’t want to have rules, because food is sacred, and I don’t want to ruin my relationship I just recently re-developed after I got over my disordered eating.
Stay strong. You will find your balance. Indulge your heart out- you may never live in Paris again. But keep working out- yoga, walking, just move. It will make you feel better, at least. And if you gain a few pounds in Paris, so be it. I’m sure will your uber-healthy lifestyle you will balance out very quickly when you arrive back home.
xo
K
Thank you for your honesty. I know the food fight too well, love, hate and passion all intertwined. I want to take the pleasure without the side of guilt. Extra butter.
Gosh. Such an honest, well-written, truthful post. Thanks girlie! I want to hear from a health + balanced female that 100% never has food guilt. Do you think one exists? It really sucks. I HATE when I have food guilt. 1] I get mad b/c I’m not even enjoying the food that is making me guilty 2] I am healthy + eat SO well, I should not feel guilty 3] i’m married with a super supportive husband WHY does it still exist in my brain? I have gotten a LOT better however over the years. Where I”m at right now, my body feels really good, so I try to just push through those guilty feelings. I know the next day I’ll be sweating it off at the gym….but to feel good, NOT to make the guilt go away. I did finally accomplish that…I work out to feel good, not to do the math on how many calories I’ve consumed and burned. I’m not really going anywhere with this :) Thanks for the post though!!
so true. thank you for your honesty. i just got home from paris this week and after 8 days i was starting to get a little panicked because i was eating so much bread/chocolate/cheese etc and only walking the city not running/yoga. i had to verbally berate myself for even thinking those thoughts while in Paris. my husband thinks i need to put on 5-10lbs anyway but i just couldn’t make it the whole week guilt free :( you are not alone in these thoughts hang in there!
First off, you girls are both so beautiful!
And I among that group that goes through food battles. It sometimes gets easier, sometimes harder. And it’s hard to predict when the anxiety will take control. I’m grateful, though, because it used to be worse. You may be upset that these thoughts take control, but YOU ARE fully aware the morsels of natural, whole food that are going into your mouth, and that’s a huge start. No 100-calorie packs for us. :) Just from reading your blog, I know how much you appreciate “real food.”
Your truthfulness…is very much appreciated! You definitely laid yourself out there..! That is to be commended…!
I don’t think any of this is INSANE! What I think is that we all have rules in life…whether it is with food, the way we behave, drinking, what we will share with others….etc! What you are feeling is real and just the mere fact that you are talking about it means you have begun the walk out and away from it…you are young and as mentioned you will grow out of this! I don’t think anyone should be judgemental about feelings or thoughts! I am not SAD for you or any other blogger! If anything I am happy that you were willing to put yourself out there and express your feelings! That took BRAVERY! You “GO GIRL”
My goodness-I become more and more impressed with you as I continue to read your posts. I am new to your blog and I think you have such insight and grace. I like you.
Great post. I love your honesty, and I really appreciate the topic. I’ve been dealing having a food fight of my own recently. I’ve found myself counting calories, feeling compelled to eat an arbitrary number. Even though I know I don’t need to lose any weight, I’ve been imagining that I could stand to lose just 5 pounds. That I must be vigilant.
And then I remembered my yoga practice. When I practice, especially when I can get to a studio, I am reminded of how strong, capable, and truly beautiful my body is. My mind is healthier. So I’ve been putting in a special effort to practice even just 30 minutes most days. (I haven’t been practicing on days when my shoulders are so sore that doing so would be a detriment.)
It’s only been a few days. But so far? That little change has worked its magic.
it’s been mentioned before – i can highly recommend christina sell’s book “yoga from the inside out – making peace with your body through yoga”, it’s amazing
I really appreciated reading this entry because there are so many of us that struggle with the very same thing. I appreciate your courage and honesty about it.
Don’t sweat it yogini. You are young and still in food training. Trust me, it gets easier with age, as you come into your own, let your insecurities fade and become comfortable with your true self. The food fights may never go away completely, but relish that they will eventually become nothing more than idle background chatter occurring few and far between. Enjoy Paris!